I've been busy

Have you ever just wanted to curl up in a ball, suck on your thumb and cry? 

This is what I am now feeling on a nightly basis. Since the last post I have graduated college, received my diploma, quit flying the friendly skies, and now it seemed like I was ready to take on corporate america and become a comfortable millionaire working 9-5 5 days a week and living in the city. Then I woke up... 

There was no corporate millionaire. No 150,000 dollar salary. No apt in the city, still living in little russia, queens. I couldn't even get a 9-5 job. What I got was an overnight shift 5 days a week. What I learned these past few months is 

I HATE OVERNIGHT SHIFT 

The job I can deal with. 10 hours of work a day I can also deal with. But working all night is near impossible. I've been lying to my parents about how I love my new job and work 9-5 when in reality I hate it and work 7pm-5am. All I wanted was a normal schedule and a comfortable life. I wanna have a dog ... live in the city.. and have more than 100 bucks in my bank account at the end of the month when it's all said and done, But I guess thats not possible. 

Searching fro the answers is a hard discouraging process. Though I may never breakdown to my parents and admit failure and request help, I will always have the dark hole of the internet to vent to and express my thoughts and emotions

Thoughts on Life

It's 1:09am. I got home from the airport after a never-ending day at around 1030pm. Tomorrow I have to work at 10am. After tossing and turning for hours I switched my netflix on and watched a movie. Still can't sleep. This pattern has been my life for the past 3 years. I have tried natural sleeping pills and I refuse to go on prescription pills because I'm scared I'll get addicted. It dawned on me that if I can't sleep I might as well blog about whatever comes to mind. So here goes.

Maybe I can't sleep because I have these annoying stressful thoughts constantly. I feel as if something is always bothering me. I'm finally graduating college in May and in some ways it is like a D-Day for me. What comes next? Do I go to law school? Do I pursue a career editing video in Final Cut Pro? Do I take on the stock market and see if a big time company hires me? Do I open up a small restaurant in a small island and live with a lab named Rocky? Where is my eternal sunshine?

Another thing that bothers me is love life. Part of me wants to take the plunge, meet someone, settle down. Another part of me is terrified of commitment. Is it because my previous long term relationship? Is it because I chose to remember only the bad stressful parts? The parts where you come home thinking all is well and you get the silent treatment and suddenly she bursts out on you and before you can even analyze what just happened you find yourself in the verbal fight of the century. The heart ache it causes after the fight. Is it worth it ?

As for girls in general. Why do they go for the wrong guy all the time? Why is it that when a guy treats a girl like the scum of the earth, she wont leave him alone, but when a guy treats her like a princess, she shits all over him and moves to the next frog. Is it a self confidence issue? Why do I care?

Why do I perceive love as weakness? I just read Andre Aggassi's book "Open" and I couldn't help but notice a trend. He cries a lot. He plays the bad ass unconventional tennis player but he must have mentioned at least ten instances where he was in tears. Why do I look at him and the word "pussy" comes out of my mouth? Is it because society has raised us men to never cry? Is it because we are supposed to show no emotion? Why is it always such a fucking game? Why does a girl think that if she fucks her way around the community I will have any interest in her? Why do your so called friends secretly wish they could sleep with the girls you sleep with and jump on any opportunity after you've had your go with her?