It's 1:09am. I got home from the airport after a never-ending day at around 1030pm. Tomorrow I have to work at 10am. After tossing and turning for hours I switched my netflix on and watched a movie. Still can't sleep. This pattern has been my life for the past 3 years. I have tried natural sleeping pills and I refuse to go on prescription pills because I'm scared I'll get addicted. It dawned on me that if I can't sleep I might as well blog about whatever comes to mind. So here goes.
Maybe I can't sleep because I have these annoying stressful thoughts constantly. I feel as if something is always bothering me. I'm finally graduating college in May and in some ways it is like a D-Day for me. What comes next? Do I go to law school? Do I pursue a career editing video in Final Cut Pro? Do I take on the stock market and see if a big time company hires me? Do I open up a small restaurant in a small island and live with a lab named Rocky? Where is my eternal sunshine?
Another thing that bothers me is love life. Part of me wants to take the plunge, meet someone, settle down. Another part of me is terrified of commitment. Is it because my previous long term relationship? Is it because I chose to remember only the bad stressful parts? The parts where you come home thinking all is well and you get the silent treatment and suddenly she bursts out on you and before you can even analyze what just happened you find yourself in the verbal fight of the century. The heart ache it causes after the fight. Is it worth it ?
As for girls in general. Why do they go for the wrong guy all the time? Why is it that when a guy treats a girl like the scum of the earth, she wont leave him alone, but when a guy treats her like a princess, she shits all over him and moves to the next frog. Is it a self confidence issue? Why do I care?
Why do I perceive love as weakness? I just read Andre Aggassi's book "Open" and I couldn't help but notice a trend. He cries a lot. He plays the bad ass unconventional tennis player but he must have mentioned at least ten instances where he was in tears. Why do I look at him and the word "pussy" comes out of my mouth? Is it because society has raised us men to never cry? Is it because we are supposed to show no emotion? Why is it always such a fucking game? Why does a girl think that if she fucks her way around the community I will have any interest in her? Why do your so called friends secretly wish they could sleep with the girls you sleep with and jump on any opportunity after you've had your go with her?
I ended up working at some shithole restaurant called Grill Point in Queens. Yes after having a college degree the only place I could get a job was back cooking. I endured that for 3 months before I realized I am not using my college degree and just settling. Since working at Grill Point I have been submitting 60 resumes a day to no success, I finally had an interview with enterprise rent a car. The interview started over the phone which I passed with flying colors. The interview continued to meet with the recruiter which also went very well and gave me the impression I was hired for this piece of shit 30k a year job. Apparently there was one more interview with a cock sucking asshole area manager. I thought I did well on that interview too but I received an email two days later saying after careful consideration we will be pursuing other candidates for the job. What the fuck, was my managerial experience or customer service experience not enough. Im going broke and I really don't want to go back into the kitchen but to be honest there is something against all odds that drags me back into this misery. Is it the creative freedom? is it the passion for perfectionism I have? Is it the love of food? I don't know but for some reason its a constant tingling that won't go away. My biggest problem is I know if I put my head down finally and dedicate myself to it I can be good, very very good. I just need to sharpen my skills a bit and I will have reviewers write about me for years to come. But then comes the negative. I will be working 80 hours a week for pay thats less than good.
